Bo liao posting...

Its 1.40am now, and I'm here blogging. Its not my sleeping time yet (which typically is from 3am onwards) and I still got to feed Tyler 1 last feed at 2am.


He's been waking up super early these few days. Early as in 7 or 8am lor, maybe not to you but to me its damn early.


But don't tell me to sleep early because most of the time I have to wait for Gordan to be home before I'm able to go to sleep. Yes, he is THAT IMPORTANT.


Anyway I'll feed Tyler his milk then get him back to bed where he'll sleep till 10 or 11am for his lunch. He wakes up earlier then us, so most of the time he'll wake me up. But he is super violent doing that lor!


Because he's sleeping on the sofa bed beside our bed, and its lower than our bed, so every morning when he wakes up, he'll pull himself standing up and then start waking me BY PULLING MY HAIR! And he basically pull real hard, just like he can't wait to make me bald. But luckily he's not doing that these few days already, or I think sooner or later I got to wear a wig liao.


This morning he even successfully took off his own pants, which I'm still wondering how the hell he managed to do that. Because I woke up to carry him up to our bed, and discovered he's not wearing any pants! First thought was maybe Gordan's mum took off his pants for him, but then not logical leh, he's sleeping in aircon, and no one in the right mind will take of his pants lor!



So conclusion is, I've got a 7 months old baby who knows how to take off his own pants.



They were joking that maybe he feels that his diaper is heavy already so he took his pants off. Anyway, he gave us a great laugh in the early morning with his amazing act.


Relationship with Gordan has been better, because I don't really talk to him about serious stuff anymore. Cause he's so damn sensitive nowadays, makes it so hard for me to discuss anything with him. I'm not doing the wedding preps yet, cause I just can't work without a date. So for now, its planning for Tyler's birthday first and wedding can wait.


My family has been bombing me with questions on Tyler's birthday celebration and wedding venue, whether I've book already, what I'm going to do, when I'm going to do it. And its just making me stressed out, because I can't discussed with Gordan about it as he get uptight over money topics. Then he'll start saying I'm pressuring him, then making me feel like I'm such a fucking bad gf who just do nothing and ask him to get this and that. Then we'll start having cold war, quarrels whenever we talk, blah blah blah....


If financially we are able to afford, I would want to book a hotel function room and have a good buffet and invite loads of people, but we can't. And seriously I just feel that its pointless spending so much on his 1st year birthday, when he can only count on pictures to remember it in the future. I don't even remember my 1st year birthday lor, although I still remember the old lady who pinch me when she carried me and made me pain.


Its like, I don't remember a birthday celebration that big and glam, but for every birthday I remembered, it just gets more and more boring and pointless. I would rather have a big celebration for Tyler when he have his own little friends in the future than now, when whatever we're doing its just for us adults.



That's why I'm kinda in a dilemma whether to book a chalet celebrate for him or just do a cosy one with close families and friends.



Gordan's birthday is coming also, and my guess is, he'll most likely be heading out with his friends. So the best I can do is, maybe cook for him or do something special for him ba.. (Anyway he'll forget about it days after)


Sometimes I really find it hard to put across what I feel to people. Even Gordan, whom I've been with for 2 yrs, don't really understand me that well. My wants are very simple, simple till sometimes he don't even believe that that is my only wants.



Because of this, our communciation have been breaking down a lot.



Its so frustrating when he assumes what I will think, when I don't even mean that. And besides Su wen, there's basically no one for me to tell about. And she'll always say, "Its normal ar, you still haven't get used to it meh?" No lor, and I won't ever will, cause I don't want to live like this forever. Relationship is such a bitch!


Went to my grandma's place today again. The only safe place to go now. And I got to eat my favourite lady finger!! I was going to cook the previous night before, but didn't managed to get any lady finger at NTUC so asked my grandma to cook for me. I love her, even though I didn't grow up saying love you to my family but I do mean that. Everytime when I want to eat anything, I just have to call her and she'll cook for me. My aunts also, are the best lor! I still remember during my confinement, I was so depressed because during pregnancy I was still sort of staying at my own home, but during confinement I was totally staying at Gordan's place liao, and facing his mom everyday.



In case you didn't know, his mom and me don't really associate before she knew I was pregnant.



So suddenly a change of environment, and having to face so many different people and lifestyle, it just makes me feel damn depressed. That I even called my aunt telling her I want to go back. But because its during confinement, she didn't want me to get out of the house, so she actually offered to come drop by visit me. But I rejected la, cause I just don't feel like having her come over. All the moodswings and hormones changes, argh....I hate that.


I seriously wonder how the hell I got through confinement lor.. Maybe also thanks to Gordan for always sneaking me out and bringing me to shop abit thats keeps me sane. I'm not a very easily social person, so having to handle so many strangers at one time just FREAKS ME OUT. Strangers as in his relatives. Even from young I'm like that already, I just don't like to be stuck in a place where I don't know anyone.



Funny how I manage to work as a dancer in the past..



But things are getting better now, although I still can't get used to the idea of going to his family gatherings because I myself don't have a huge family!! But Gordan will never realise it, cause he've never experience it before. Everytime I tell him to stick with me, but he's always leaving me at one side with baby and he's gone liao. Then sooner or later, someone will want to carry Tyler and there I am stuck alone! How I wish Tyler will cry and refuse and only want me to carry, then I won't feel so weird.


By the way, if you are thinking since relationship between me and Gordan is sort of on the rocks right now, why are we going into marriage?


We'll never know what will happen tomorrow, and a relationship will fail only if one party gives up and stop trying.


Anyway, you can't expect relationship to be 24/7 great right?



Main point is: I love him, and he love me. End of story.







Sorry for the wordy post, just feel like blogging some thoughts that I have. Got to go, Tyler's feeding time liao...